Good-bye 2020 (good riddance) Hello 2021 (not the great beginning we hoped for)

Oh brother...Here we go again.  Another lockdown, ending 2020 and beginning 2021.  News reports say this pandemic and repercussions should continue for most of the next year.  

So, this is my poor-me rant which I dare not say aloud, because I know that I am much luckier than most people.  I have a pension, therefore a steady income. I have family and friends, and a faith that sustains me.  But I can still feel the following:

Loss.  So much loss:  my mobility, my dog, my grandkids across a closed border, my part-time job at the Shoe Store, my worship leading schedule that has been greatly reduced, being a member on the board of Camp McDougall, holiday celebrations, my real-life book clubs, in-person meetings with ADK.  

It's not the war.  It's not a holocaust. It's not the Great Depression.  But it is my own mini-depression...walking with difficulty, no dog to pet, my husband's endless negative and critical statements about the world, plans that keep needing tweaks, news that keeps presenting negative news (a mutation of the virus!!!)  

About that sustaining faith...there are ebbs and flows...occasional dips.  I guess that just makes me ordinary.

Isolation

Well, I'm getting used to not going out too much.  Except to walk the dog, hang laundry, work in the yard.  We went for a random drive on Mother's Day -- felt like an adventure! 

Now they plan to start opening the economy, one careful step at a time.  Which means I might be back at my very part-time job at the shoe store.  Which makes me nervous. 

I like staying put.  I like contacting people through social media, taping church services, meeting on ZOOM. 

I don't like not being able to see the grandkids in person, and hug them. 

But, as for the rest of this isolation-thing.  I think it suits me.  Am I being ordinary now?

Covid Thinking

It's been over a week of not going anywhere except, very occasionally, the grocery store, and three walks a day with my dog.  My husband still goes out daily to pick up coffee, and sometimes just to drive around.  He goes to the grocery store almost every day too. 

My worship leader job is non-existent as the churches are closed.  And my one-day-a-week at the shoe store as turned into no-days-a-week.  I still take an on-line Lenten study, and participate in Grants committee meetings and Camp McDougall Board member communication. 

But my life has significantly slowed down.  I have time to think (and worry).  I pray but haven't done my usual Bible study lately.  On Sunday I read Rev. Kim's sermon, and it was a little upsetting....He picked out the plagues and deserved destruction of the Hebrew people in the Old Testament.  One edge of his sermon's sword was...we deserve this if we don't repent for ourselves and our world.  The other less sharp edge was to pray to a compassionate God.  Those two didn't seem to go together for me.  So, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. 

We don't understand in order to have faith; but have faith in order to understand. 

One thing I have really come to understand is how non essential I am:  I am not needed as a preacher, a worker, a babysitting Grandma.  So, in this stripped down version of me, I am grateful that I am a beloved child of God's grace.  The making of me by my own constructs has fallen apart.  The me that is loved and blessed by God remains.  It doesn't mean that I will survive this pandemic.  It means that I will be at peace, whatever happens. 

Just an ordinary girl living in extraordinary time. 

Religion Is Not a Dirty Word

Often, first thing in the morning, I work on reading scripture, or reading hymns and sermons by various writers, in preparation for my own message-writing.  I love it.  It centers me and makes me more God-oriented throughout the day.  I am such a flawed individual, and I often lie awake at night thinking about the wrongs I have committed and the absence of enough rights.  But when I turn to prayer and scripture, I am enveloped in the peace and love of Christ.

How do people live without that?  How do people exist in thinking that humankind or science or nature or wealth or knowledge are the highest orders in society?

Young people are not attending the mainstream church to which I belong.  Out in the world, I hear anti-religious sentiments.  We are antiquated, and hypocrites, and unnecessary.  Even people my age attend occasionally but without commitment and finding easy ways out (hurt feelings, too busy, I don't need church to be spiritual). 

Yet, this is what a church can offer:  It can help you think and examine spirituality.  It can provide a multi-generational community with a sense of neighbourliness and love.  It can raise up common goals.  It can be fun as you work and sing and give together.  It can dish up a sea of humanity that is a microcosm of what you see in the world and help you learn to accept and love in spite of yourself.  And church, through sermons and Bible studies, can help you understand the Bible in a way that will impact so many aspects of your life. 

I am not always uplifted by a particular sermon or Bible reading or Sunday experience. That's on me. But, when I keep attending church, when I keep reading scripture, when I keep singing the hymns and when I keep reading and conversing about God, I know that insights will come, joy will surge and hope will become constant. 

How do people live without that?