Interesting to read my last post.
In many ways, things have continued in the same vein. For example, at church, where I volunteer as secretary, choir member and council rep, I had a huge issue with the treasurer who was uber-late in providing reports for the Annual Report. She had a zillion excuses, sent blank documents, and otherwise tried by patience. Finally, she blew up at me, saying she didn't know there was a deadline (posted in bulletin for over a month), and why would a secretary change her report (tried to fit it on a word document so not changed, just re-fitted), and to 'stay in my own lane'. She even told the Board chair that I could access the church computer from my home computer and see all of her treasurer documentation. And the Board chair believed her!!!! When the treasurer and I met in person, she claimed I was a victim personality and tried to do some psychology (Do you have these problems in other parts of your life?)
Why do people come up with that approach? Labelling someone a victim rather than looking at their own culpability. Anyway, I stood my ground until she finally, reluctantly apologized.
But this is what is different since my last post. I'm realizing it is okay to self-protect. Actually it is necessary. I took a break from church and attended another one that was unbelievably uplifting. I will attend it once a month, so will not feel so restricted by my current church. They have suddenly started to treat me well (answering my e-mails, providing feedback, respecting my time) but that is not the purpose of attending a different church once in awhile. The purpose is to worship fully and wholly, which I can't do when I feel wary.
As for my husband's lack of interest, I know he has some limitations in the expression department. On Valentine's Day, he said flowers were too expensive. When I handed him a box of chocolates he said: Well, I tried. Really? Then he said we could go out for supper sometime. I said, Ya...but it's always to your choice of restaurant. So...We haven't gone to my choice yet, and I doubt that we will. BUT, I love him in spite of these thoughtless ways, recognizing his weaknesses. And I've protected myself with my imagination.
I've got a Dick and Rick response. When he says something thoughtless, he is Dick; something wonderful, he is Rick. When he is Dick, I imagine a Rick response that would help me feel good. To my happy surprise, he provides more Rick responses than I had originally thought. I guess I had focussed on the hurt of the Dick.
This dealing with emotional pain, recovery, self reflection...makes me quite ordinary, doesn't it?
