Not having contemplated life for awhile, using this blog as a forum....well, this probably isn't the best day. Husband has cancer, mom has dementia, I'm running out of pep. Somehow I have to find strength to be rock-like for everyone else, but then I become a little dough-like instead, feeling indentations from hurts or neglect.
The outdoor picnic table is a good example. Last week, I let everyone know that I was going to mow the lawn. The old green picnic table was left in the middle of it, instead of on the patio where it usually rests. I tried to move it myself, in simple little circular motions. However...I heard a CRACK, and...yep, a rotten leg broke. When my husband saw it, he was mad...tossed it, and angrily announced that he had taught our grandson how to move it.(So that means I should know too?) Since then, family members have joked about me breaking the picnic table.
So...I was trying to do something that needed doing; I communicated; I tried to be independent when I saw the table where it shouldn't be. No one has thought that maybe the responsibility for the broken table rests on shoulders other than mine. No one would even consider to blame anyone else....because, presumably, I can handle it.
All aspects of my life are like that right now: I try to do things that need doing and I get ignored, criticized or blamed. I feel beaten down.
My marriage has never been great; certainly not the respectful companionship and partnership I originally envisioned. Now, I am a helpmate in the cancer struggle, but not a person of interest in any other way. Husband smiles and converses with others; not me. He barely gives eye contact. Once, when I was trying to get our relationship back on track, long before cancer, I reached out to hold his hand. He pulled it away. I've never tried since.
My daily life is not about me...it's about service to others. But every now and then, I need to focus on what is going on in me. And right now, it's not so great. Is this it? Is this what I have to deal with for the rest of my life?
