Isolation

Well, I'm getting used to not going out too much.  Except to walk the dog, hang laundry, work in the yard.  We went for a random drive on Mother's Day -- felt like an adventure! 

Now they plan to start opening the economy, one careful step at a time.  Which means I might be back at my very part-time job at the shoe store.  Which makes me nervous. 

I like staying put.  I like contacting people through social media, taping church services, meeting on ZOOM. 

I don't like not being able to see the grandkids in person, and hug them. 

But, as for the rest of this isolation-thing.  I think it suits me.  Am I being ordinary now?

Covid Thinking

It's been over a week of not going anywhere except, very occasionally, the grocery store, and three walks a day with my dog.  My husband still goes out daily to pick up coffee, and sometimes just to drive around.  He goes to the grocery store almost every day too. 

My worship leader job is non-existent as the churches are closed.  And my one-day-a-week at the shoe store as turned into no-days-a-week.  I still take an on-line Lenten study, and participate in Grants committee meetings and Camp McDougall Board member communication. 

But my life has significantly slowed down.  I have time to think (and worry).  I pray but haven't done my usual Bible study lately.  On Sunday I read Rev. Kim's sermon, and it was a little upsetting....He picked out the plagues and deserved destruction of the Hebrew people in the Old Testament.  One edge of his sermon's sword was...we deserve this if we don't repent for ourselves and our world.  The other less sharp edge was to pray to a compassionate God.  Those two didn't seem to go together for me.  So, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. 

We don't understand in order to have faith; but have faith in order to understand. 

One thing I have really come to understand is how non essential I am:  I am not needed as a preacher, a worker, a babysitting Grandma.  So, in this stripped down version of me, I am grateful that I am a beloved child of God's grace.  The making of me by my own constructs has fallen apart.  The me that is loved and blessed by God remains.  It doesn't mean that I will survive this pandemic.  It means that I will be at peace, whatever happens. 

Just an ordinary girl living in extraordinary time. 

Religion Is Not a Dirty Word

Often, first thing in the morning, I work on reading scripture, or reading hymns and sermons by various writers, in preparation for my own message-writing.  I love it.  It centers me and makes me more God-oriented throughout the day.  I am such a flawed individual, and I often lie awake at night thinking about the wrongs I have committed and the absence of enough rights.  But when I turn to prayer and scripture, I am enveloped in the peace and love of Christ.

How do people live without that?  How do people exist in thinking that humankind or science or nature or wealth or knowledge are the highest orders in society?

Young people are not attending the mainstream church to which I belong.  Out in the world, I hear anti-religious sentiments.  We are antiquated, and hypocrites, and unnecessary.  Even people my age attend occasionally but without commitment and finding easy ways out (hurt feelings, too busy, I don't need church to be spiritual). 

Yet, this is what a church can offer:  It can help you think and examine spirituality.  It can provide a multi-generational community with a sense of neighbourliness and love.  It can raise up common goals.  It can be fun as you work and sing and give together.  It can dish up a sea of humanity that is a microcosm of what you see in the world and help you learn to accept and love in spite of yourself.  And church, through sermons and Bible studies, can help you understand the Bible in a way that will impact so many aspects of your life. 

I am not always uplifted by a particular sermon or Bible reading or Sunday experience. That's on me. But, when I keep attending church, when I keep reading scripture, when I keep singing the hymns and when I keep reading and conversing about God, I know that insights will come, joy will surge and hope will become constant. 

How do people live without that?

Terrible Two

I love my youngest grandson very much.  I shouldn't have to say that, but right now I am reminding myself. 

He isn't two years old YET, but he is displaying some of the mindset of a two-year-old.  You know --- independence, opposition, and methods of getting one's own way that are both wily and darned cute! 

Today I babysat.  And I think I did a terrible job.  He terrorized the dog, threw things around, and screamed 'no' a lot. 

I tried to take a firm and calm approach. 

The good news --- we made it to the end of the day, still loving each other, still relatively happy.  He ate, he slept, he pooped, he played, he danced, he climbed, he hopped, he smiled and laughed a lot. 

Maybe I didn't do such a bad job after all...

Young Again? No Thanks.

I guess I'm not young any more.  The last time I went to the movies, I was given the Senior price automatically...no questions asked.  And I even dye my hair.  But that doesn't erase the wrinkles, I guess.

Youth is wonderful.  Mom just gave me a picture of me and my firstborn when he was only a few months old.  We both looked great.  I was slim and surprisingly pretty. 

Yet, I am happy that I don't have to go through that whole youth thing again.  I hear my 10-year-old grandson stress about friend issues.  Today's news is all about a 16-year-old in Hamilton, Ontario who was knifed in front of his mother, the presumed end result of relentless bullying.  I also know a few young girls who suffer from eating disorders.  It seems that growing up has so many challenges that the young people aren't getting the chance to realize that "Youth is wonderful". 

I am so happy that my children, now young adults, have made it past their teens.  And, so far, they aren't addicted to drugs, booze, money, sex, over-spending or any other debilitating addiction. All three have found partners who fit in with their values and lifestyles.  Now, I just have to start worrying about the next generation.

No thanks...I might have wrinkles, aches and pains, and graying hair, but I wouldn't swap that for another go at youth.  No way.  Being young is way too challenging. 

Bottom line:  I like being an ordinary OLD girl.

Beauty

Whenever I talk about our recent trip to the East Coast, I precede the word trip with the descriptor:  'whirlwind'.  We drove a lot, saw a lot, ate a lot, visited a lot, and laughed a lot.  Our friends did the planning and the driving, and my husband and I relaxed into the beauty of New Brunswick and Nova Scotia, without the tensions of figuring out how to get places. 

The Cabot Trail, Peggy's Cove, Cape Enrage, St. Andrew's, covered bridges, ocean tides, east coast architecture, fishing and sailing boats -- all outstandingly beautiful.  I snapped many pictures, trying to capture some of the awesomeness surrounding me. 

But it is a different kind of beauty that struck me most.  Everyone I met, whether someone addressing me as a tourist, or in casual conversation snatched during a walk, was unfailingly polite, interested, kind.  One example was when we walked around the citadel in Halifax, we were talking about various excursions we had made or were planning to make.  We moved to the side of the path as we heard the approach of a jogger.  The jogger slowed down, asked us about our experience as tourists, and then walked alongside us to answer questions and provide insights about his city.  Turns out he was the deputy chief of police!  And he took the time to engage in conversation. 

Yesterday, I was sharing some of my Down East experiences with a friend.  She commented that she had loved the people she met.  In particular, she felt trusted. There was an openness and innocence in the people she met.

Whether talking to the staff at Fort Louisbourg or the fisheries museum in Lunenburg, or the servers at restaurants, everyone I met was open, knowledgeable, and interested in both sharing and engaging.  I felt like I was living a pre-cell-phone life, where cell phones seem to be used to avoid face-to-face engagement. 

I guess this is nothing new really...taking about the beauty of the scenery and the people of the East Coast.  But it bears revisiting and repeating.  Ordinary observations from an ordinary girl. 

What do I need?

I am resigning from a particular Board of Directors on October 1st and I have given my notice.  I am resigning for a number of reasons, but these last few months help me to see the Board in a different way.

I am the secretary and I have another key role that involves hiring staff.  It has been a real learning curve, and I feel that I have done a good job.  However, the chair of the Board often ignores my ideas, or speaks crossly to me when I have a question or idea.  She doesn't do this with everyone.  On the agenda, it has always been quite obvious that she puts me last in the scheme of things, going so far as to try to put me off when I was requesting input for the Annual Meeting.  If I said 'black', she would say 'white'.  She enforces 'rules' with me that she does not expect from anyone else.  For example, if I paid for advertising with my credit card and then asked to be reimbursed, I was chastised for doing something unprofessional.  (I was never given any other option for paying though!)  If I remind her that I should have signing authority at the bank as per the by-laws, she questions the by-laws and asks me to send her my copy because I must somehow have an old copy. 

So, one good thing about my resignation will be that someone who can get along with her may step up and things will run more smoothly. 

I can't help but wonder why this working relationship has dissolved.  Would I have needed more charisma?  A more confident, forceful personality? 

This has happened to me before in other cases, and I really wonder what it is about me that ticks people off sometimes.  I find this whole thing unfortunate because I have an impulse towards working for the best possible outcomes.  Yet, the impulse does not yield to influence. 

This ordinary girl feels a little like a failure, and I am wondering what I need to do or be in order to do good works in my sphere of influence.